Wishful Dreaming
by dauntlessblackhawk
Summary: They're getting married. She doesn't know what to do with her life now. When did the Black Widow, the deadly assassin suddenly have emotions? He's happy but she's shattered. Is this angsty enough? [cover image is from tumblr]
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, have no affiliation with the Marvel Universe and whatsoever. If I did, there would already be a Clintasha movie out there (how I wish).**

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**A/N: I have had this idea in my head for quite a while and since Christmas holiday is just two days away, why not just write them all down? **

**This would go really well with 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri and 'Between the Raindrops' by Lifehouse :)**

**Enjoy :)**

**[Italics are either flashbacks or lyrics]**

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She carefully slipped on the beautiful white gown that she chose herself and bought only two weeks ago. The whole gown was made of satin and silk lace with exquisite silver thread embroideries. It was absolutely gorgeous, but simple and laid-back enough to not take people's attention away from the bride herself. Most of her back was exposed and it was strapless but not too low cut, it wasn't her day to shine after all. The floor-length dress hugged her perfect curves

There were still stains of tears on her face, she was glad she didn't need make up or else the tears would have ruined everything. She dampened a piece of tissue paper to wipe her face clean just to see more of them flow from her beautiful green eyes. Why was she crying? Shouldn't she be happy? She was trying so hard to screw her face back to an emotionless façade but it seemed to be getting harder and harder as every second passed. Hiding her emotions had never been this difficult in the past.

She let out a sigh as she willed herself into not feeling anything but concentrate on dressing up. She let her naturally curled hair fall near her breasts and closed her eyes to take a deep breath_. It's all going to be over soon. _She thought to herself. _Soon_.

She met the others at the small club house that he had reserved for his wedding. Everyone looked beautiful and even the director and her handler were in suits and ties. She sat down next to the strawberry blonde whom she had worked with at the table nearest to the stage which was reserved for his closest friends and forced out a smile as she greeted her.

Then it started. He looked so handsome, although she would never in a million years admit that to herself nor would she ever tell him, especially now that… The bride looked beautiful, walking down the aisle holding a bunch of delicate pink and white flowers. Her gown was like one of a princess' with a fitted bodice then flared out, starting at the waist, going to the floor. A radiant smile hung on her pink cheeks and she truly looked like a princess in a fairy tale, finally getting her happy ending.

She looked away, unable to bear the crushing weight on her heart. He was looking at the bride in a most loving and adoring manner_. If only someone ever looked at her the same way_, she thought, though she knew it was just wishful dreaming. Who would love someone with such a horrifying past?

The vows were said and all those formal ceremony rituals were over and done with before she knew. She had not paid a single attention to anything, she had shut herself down and was thinking about anything but the couple standing on the stage.

Then all of a sudden, she heard her name on the microphone and was instantly snapped out of her thoughts. It was her turn to go on stage. She quickly nodded and smiled then went up to the stage, took a few breaths and started singing.

_Heart beats fast  
Colours and promises  
How to be brave  
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall  
But watching you stand alone  
All of my doubt  
Suddenly goes away somehow_

_She had just came back to her apartment after being in SHIELD's medical bay for a week after a seven-month solo mission in Bucharest and she was exhausted. She was lying face down on her bed and trying to rest her eyes when she heard faint knocks on her door._

'_Yes?' she mumbled tiredly to whoever was outside her room. _

'_Hey, Tasha, how was your mission?' he stepped in and asked giddily. She looked at him and furrowed her brows. He never came to her room just to ask about her, at least not anymore lately after his old love, Mockingbird, came back to SHIELD. _

'_Why exactly are you here?' she asked tiredly, sliding onto the floor. It was impossible to not notice the glint of happiness and excitement in his eyes and his voice._

'_Um… well…' he trailed off smiling sneakily. Then he reached into his pocket and held out a small square for her. She stared at him and took the piece of paper without looking at it. _

_'And what exactly is this?'_

'_Well, it's like that, while you were gone, um…' he hesitated again, the nervous kind, then blurted out, 'last week I asked Bobbi to marry me and she accepted.' His face spread out into a wide grin. Her breath caught in her lungs, she didn't know how to react to such a big surprise. Not that it was really a surprise, the only reason she took that long solo mission was to get away from the two of them in the first place anyway. _

'_Oh, congratulations,' she said as she forced out a smile. He was so immersed in his happiness that he didn't even notice the forcefulness and was it lost? in her tone and smile. _

'_Thank you, Tasha, I can't believe this all is happening, it's going to be so beautiful everything is going to be so perfect! Oh, and one more thing, we are inviting you to sing at our wedding, I mean everybody knows you have a beautiful voice and–'_

'_Um, Clint, I… I'm sorry… but, I can't…' she interrupted in a weak voice._

'_But why, Nat? You have to! I mean it's my wedding!' he asked, surprised at her refusal._

'_I just… can't…'_

'_Please? Please, Tasha?' He pleaded with her, he sounded so desperate as if it was almost genuine but she knew he was just trying to make her sing. She sighed and nodded._

'_Yes! Thank you so much, Tasha, I knew you would do it,' he squealed with joy then left her room._

_I have died every day  
Waiting for you  
Darlin' don't be afraid,  
I have loved you for a  
Thousand years  
I'll love you for a  
Thousand more_

The song ended with another verse then everybody stood up clapping. She smiled at the small crowd that was invited to their wedding and they were told to be seated once again for her next and last song. She stole a glance at the newly-wed couple standing not too far from her on the stage. They were giggling, the bride in his arms, looking at each other fondly just like any other newly-wed couple. Then she took another deep breath and started singing.

_Look around  
There's no one but you and me  
Right here and now  
The way it was meant to be  
There's a smile on my face  
Knowing that together everything that's in our way  
We're better than alright_

'_Coulson, this is Romanoff, I'm requesting for a solo mission that would take possibly at least a few months please.' She had left a message for her handler. She had had enough seeing her partner, or maybe ex-partner, with his old love chatting and laughing, holding hands and touching. _

_Three days after that message, she was sent off to Bucharest in a jet she piloted herself. She had wondered if he would ever miss her, or even notice if she was gone, but she locked away all her wandering thoughts so that she could focus on her mission and forget about him once and for all. _

_Walking between the raindrops  
Riding the aftershock beside you  
Off into the sunset  
Living like there's nothing left to lose  
Chasing after gold mines  
Crossing the fine lines we knew  
Hold on and take a breath  
I'll be here every step  
Walking between the raindrops with you  
Between the raindrops with you  
Between the raindrops with you_

She was greeted with another round of applause as she finished the song. Then she went off the stage and immediately left the dining room. She didn't look at the newly-wed couple one last time. Nobody really noticed and nobody cared anyway; everyone was happily celebrating their friends' marriage. Shouldn't she be too? Yes, she should, but she couldn't anymore. She stepped out of the club house under the drizzling rain and inhaled the fresh air. She closed her eyes and let the rain drop splash onto her face. _Between the raindrops with you._ The last sentence of the song repeated continuously in her mind. She must be going mad, she thought, as she sighed and walked away from the club house, directionless. That's when she heard her name, yelled by a most familiar but distant voice.

'Natasha! Wait!'

It was him. She ran. She was already a good 10 meters away from him, but her dress was too long and clumsy and she just wasn't paying attention to anything but the rapid beating of her heart. She tripped and fell. She scraped her knee and it was bleeding. She felt her dress being soaked by the rain and stained with some pink by her blood but she couldn't care less, she tried to get up but her body wasn't listening to her at all, so she just covered her face with her hands and sobbed into them. That was so not Natasha Romanoff the Black Widow, the Russian super spy, the emotionless seductress. What was she doing, crying on the floor?

'Natasha!' he called out again, panting slightly from the short chase. She must look so silly to him now, like a broken hearted teenage girl whose world was just shattered by the love of her life. She was never a teen after all. Then his footsteps stopped, leaving just about half a meter between them. They were far too close but yet so distant.

'Don't…' she choked out in between sobs as the rain continued showering on her. _Between the raindrops with you._

'Natasha, I love you. I never knew that but I love you. Please, please just listen to me, I–'

'No, you don't, Clint, you don't. Stop playing with my emotions. Stop tormenting me. You don't know what you're talking about. I'm not your toy. You and Bobbi just got married, for fuck's sake!' she shouted as tears continued streaming down her face. 'Leave me alone, Clint, just please leave me alone… The person you love is still inside waiting for you…'

'But Tasha…' he pleaded as if willing her to understand him.

'No, Clint, go away,' she said more firmly, 'don't "Tasha" me anymore,' she said as she held her sobs, stood up and left him standing alone in the rain.

'But I love you...' he murmured as she walked further and further away. The wind carried those words to her ears and made her heart clench in pain but there was nothing she could do. Everything was too late, she lost her chance with him. There would be no more 'Strike Team Delta', SHIELD's best partnership. There would be no more 'the Widow and the Hawk'. Her heart was broken, shattered into a million pieces and would never be pieced together again. The next time they see each other might be long after because she would be taking another long mission that would prevent her from seeing him again in months or better, years.

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**A/N: I feel that this doesn't give me enough feels but what do you think? I also feel that Natasha is slightly out of character but idk :/ this is the best I can do in three hours ._. Reviews are much appreciated! :)**

**I've already written an epilogue for this story, tell me if you want me to post it? **

**The first song is 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri, I'm quite sure you've heard of it? The second one is 'Between the Raindrops' by Lifehouse ft. Natasha Beddingfield. It's one of my favourite songs :')**

**To my loyal readers who are still following 'A Twist In Fate', don't worry I'm still continuing it but I just need some ideas. Major writers' block on that story. **

**I promise to post the epilogue if I get enough reviews and I'll try to update ATIF asap :)**

**Early merry Christmas and reviews please! ❤**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So here is the epilogue I promise you guys! :D Thank you so much for the reviews they seriously made me so happy, best Christmas gifts ever :') **

**Enjoy! :)**

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The moment the song ended, everything suddenly seemed to make sense to me. There had always been something that didn't feel right between me and Bobbi but I just couldn't figure it out. Nat and I had been partners for eight years already before Bobbi suddenly came back to SHIELD. Yes, I had to admit I once loved Bobbi, and seeing her come back made me really happy and excited. We spent a lot of time together, working, going on missions, sparring, watching movies, eating during off-mission time and during that period I never realised that Natasha had slipped further and further away from me. It never crossed my mind that the reason a part of me still felt empty when I was with Bobbi was because she was Bobbi, not Natasha. How did I not notice that? I feel like hitting myself in the head now.

I saw her walk off the stage, but she wasn't smiling or anything and she didn't return to her seat either. I forgot to tell her that she looked absolutely stunning tonight, her dress was perfect. I walked away from Bobbi seeing that she was chatting with other friends and was planning to thank her for coming and tell her she looked gorgeous, but instead, the three words slipped out of my mouth and I knew there was no going back. But after all, that is how I really feel about her and have felt for a long, long time. I was just trying to deny that. We both were. And everything is now ruined.

I'm soaked from head to toe but I'm still standing in the rain, unmovable, lost. _Between the raindrops with you._ The last sentence of the song she just sang repeated in my head. Oh, Tasha… Should I go back in? But how do I explain to everybody what happened? What about Bobbi? What about Natasha? What about me?

From the day I met her, it always seemed we had a special bond, however hard we might both refuse to admit that. -_The world's such a crazy place, when the walls come down, you'll know I'm here to stay. -How can I love when I'm afraid to fall…_I suddenly understood why she chose those two songs, why she refused to sing at first, why she went on that long solo mission. Oh, and how did I not notice her sadness when I first told her the news? What was wrong with me? What on earth was I thinking? Now everything is lost, I love Natasha but everything is too late for me, for us. Was there ever an 'us'? Will there ever be one? I'm not even sure I love Bobbi in the romantic way but Christ, Natasha is right, we just got married… What am I to do? What have I done?

My heart still aches; Natasha looked so small, so fragile like a young blossoming flower, when she was kneeling on the ground crying just now. What did I do to her? How can I ever face her again? How can I redeem myself anymore? Will I even ever see her again?

I feel as if my world has just fallen apart, but it's too late now. There's no point going back. It's impossible to turn back time and mend my own mistakes. So I do the only thing I am brave enough to do, put on a smile and walk back into the club house.

I'm sorry, Natasha.

I'm sorry.

I'm so so sorry.

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**A/N: This is in Clint's POV while the main story is in Natasha's, though it's as if she's talking about herself in a third person POV. **

**Thanks so much for reading my story and thanks so much for the reviews. Check out my other work if you're interested? They're all Clintasha fics at the moment haha :) **

**Please take some time to review this chapter too! I would be eternally grateful. Reviews make my day! :D**

**Thank you and merry Christmas! **


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